Plate of Identity: Seeking Validation in Education

               “‘I'm never coming back home again. Once I leave this place, I’ll never come back.’

Oh, if you knew the angsty high school version of me, you’d know that this was my mantra. I used to idolize going off to college and being this grand version of myself that was carefully curated thanks to Pinterest. But...I didn’t know what that fully entailed. 14-17 year old me correlated good grades to success and if I was having a 4.0gpa, I might as well be Warren Buffet. Oh, how I was comically wrong. Not in a bad way, just in a way I never expected. 

So, picture this: June 2021, COVID-19 still has lingering effects, our outdoor graduation was given the green light, and I (KSF) was graduating with honors in the top 10% of my class. With a ticket into UC Berkeley for Mechanical Engineering? Woah baby a quadruple. I was riding on a high and I could see it now. 4 years of a grind and then I’d be somewhere in the PNW with a decent car paid off and an apartment full of things I didn’t even know existed. I’d be eating food with foreign french names that I’m absolutely certain my ancestors never had. And I’d invite my sisters into their well decorated rooms in my home with carefully curated wardrobes that I chose for them. 

       Is your head spinning from the delusion yet? Because I think mine is. 

Needless to say, I didn’t know quite a few things. 1. Taxes 2. Taxes 3. Just how far a mechanical engineer salary could go and 4. Taxes. Bright eyed doe, was I. And so I walked that stage with my braces freshly off and a haircut that I didn’t wash for about 3 days after so I didn’t ruin the salon technique. 

That summer felt like bliss. I knew where I was going. I knew who I wanted to be. I immersed myself in my hobbies. Then, the end of July rolled around and I had to do these modules for starting UC Berkeley. Not that I wasn’t able to comprehend any of it, but the more I read the more unsure I felt. And the final nail in the coffin, my stepdad told me this uber motivating speech: 

        ‘When you go there people will be better than you. Smarter than you. You won’t succeed.’

Gee what a grand man you picked mom. If only he knew how to capitalize on investments like he knew how to capitalize on my downtrodden emotions. We’d be set for life! 

So it began. This snow abominable amalgamation of imposter syndrome, self doubt, and education validation seeking behaviors. For the first time ever at the ripe age of 18, I felt I had no identity. It’s not my fault though…right? Oh whatever, everything will work itself out when I’m at Berkeley. 

So, I left. Queasy, nervous, and confused. This is just college and homesickness, I’ll get over it.  

*spoiler alert: I did not get over it.* 

I proceeded to have the worst time ever. The very first day I was there, people made friends and went to parties and I got dressed and went to job interviews. I got a job and that was cool! I made smoothies for $16/hr and I was taking classes that didn’t really correlate to my major but it was what it was. Fast forward the next 8 or so months and every night I’d cry by the trash cans of my dorm hall. It was so bad people were actually concerned. There was no privacy whatsoever. 

I left after a year and didn’t go back. Not because it was too hard or that it didn’t live up to my fantasies. I left because it wasn’t the right environment for me to thrive and the things I wanted weren’t things I actually desired. They were things I thought I desired. I know that now. But for a long time I beat myself up over it, because my education was tied to my worth. 

When I attended community college after my year at Berkeley I felt even more distraught. I felt like I had downgraded. Looking back, it was a blessing. I found out that I loved anthropology there. That humans are interesting and the world doesn’t have to be grey. I held a human bone for the first time there. What a surreal moment. 

Now I am finishing up at Arizona State University, after a long deliberation of what major I should choose. I now know and feel certain that this is the path. And though I didn’t see it before, every choice I made listed and unlisted to you in this message drew me towards becoming a doctor. Something that my family never thought was possible...at least for me.

I wrote a song when I first turned 22 and I’ll share a snippet of the lyrics: 

‘Jump forward, don’t go backward. Where am I at 32? Now I’m scared will you hold my hand, do it like the way you do. Jump forward, don't go backward. I'll tell you now at 22. Have no fear, let’s push forward. If you hold me, hold me, I’ll hold you.’ 

And that’s my new mantra. Identity doesn’t exist inside of the anxiety of how education makes you feel. Identity exists inside the belly of growth and education feeds the hunger of our minds. It makes us proud of who we are and who we can be. Any path is a path and there’s no real way backward. Only forward. So, until then – Pass the plate, I’m hungry for more information.

-KSF”